What Nonverbal Signals Are You Sending?
The tiny behavioral nuances that determine how others treat you
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All my life, I’ve been ‘the perpetual listener’ in a majority of my relationships. Once I get past the initial reciprocal-questioning polite small talk phase with a potential friend or romantic partner, more often than not we lapse into a dynamic in which they talk 90% of the time and I talk 10% of the time, mostly to validate or show interest in whatever they’re saying.
I literally moved out of the country over this. When I first took a long trip overseas to live in a hippie backpacker community in India for a few months at age 21, I noticed that a bigger percentage than normal of my relationships felt more reciprocal and less draining. My new friends seemed more interested in me and not as exclusively interested in talking while I listened.
Assuming that the problem was with my culture of origin, I kept traveling. I have now spent 10 years as a nomad, but it turned out that my relationships had seemed different on that first trip because the shock of my first solo international adventure made me behave a little bit differently than normal. The pattern returned gradually as I kept traveling and sunk into comfort with my nomadic lifestyle.
I really love being a nomad, but I haven’t outrun my problem. Last night, a guy I have been seeing came to my house. He’s a very intelligent person who has deep relationships with his friends, but we sunk into the same pattern: He spoke and I listened for nearly two hours, and every attempt of mine to express myself and shift the conversation so that he could also get to know me fell flat. By the time he left, I was exhausted and relieved.
Plot Twist: It’s My Fault
For a long time, I felt bitter and confused about this pattern and could not quite articulate what was happening. But when I started studying nonverbal communication, assertiveness, and communication skills, my whole perspective imploded.
It’s not anyone else’s fault that this pattern continues to plague my relationships and keep me from forging deep connections. Sure, people “should” be mindful of how much space they’re taking up in an interaction and whether they are behaving appropriately in terms of listening well and not interrupting…but if I send out signals that indicate “hey, I’m here to listen, not express”, others will pick up on that and behave accordingly.
It clicked for me when I was listening to a short video on youtube about how to deal with an interrupter. The video said “If every time you’re in a group, and someone makes a noise and you stop talking and look at them, you’re gonna get destroyed; you’re going to get interrupted all the time.” That was a part of exactly what I had been doing — without even noticing it.
Nonverbal Signals that Say “I’m Only Here to Listen” vs. “Let’s Build a Reciprocal Connection”
Here’s a little bit of what I’ve learned since I’ve begun studying communication and taking note of my own nonverbal signals and those of others.
If you’re a person who naturally commands the respect and attention of others, this is still relevant to you. If you read this with an eye towards how your less assertive peers might experience communicating with you, you will equip yourself with the empathy and keen eye necessary to help empower them.
Eye Contact
When you speak, do you look directly at the other person, or do you look away? Looking at them and maintaining appropriate (not aggressive) eye contact conveys confidence. Looking away shows that you feel sheepish. I do this when I feel guilty for taking up space in a conversation by expressing myself. If my body language shows that I feel I don’t deserve to be heard, the other person will pick up on that and behave accordingly.
Here’s the flip side of this one: Let’s say you look away while you are speaking, but you make eye contact while the other person is speaking. This further compounds the message “what I have to say is not important; what you have to say is very important”.
Speed of Voice
When it’s your turn to talk, how fast do you speak? Speaking slowly and deliberately can convey…you guessed it…confidence! Speaking too quickly is something many of us do when, again, we feel bad about taking up space by expressing ourselves. And — again — your interlocutor will pick up on the fact that you don’t feel feel you deserve the space to express yourself, and they will treat you like you don’t deserve the space to express yourself.
Tone of Voice/Excitement
Are you speaking in a monotone, or are you showing that you’re emotionally invested in what you are saying and using gestures to show your excitement? People will pick up what you’re putting down. If your tone says “this isn’t interesting”, they will show you “I’m not interested”.
Position of Head
Is your chin tilted up or down? Guess which one commands more attention and shows the other person that you value what you’re saying, so they should, too. It’s so painfully obvious I’m not even going to tell you the answer. It’s obvious if you think about it, but it may not be obvious if speaking chin down is your habit and no one has ever pointed it out to you before.
Volume of Voice
Some people have naturally loud voices, and you know what? Generally speaking, people shut up and listen to them. If your voice is naturally quieter, people may not notice when you are speaking. Especially if you are speaking with someone with a louder voice.
This one is especially relevant when combined with some of the other cues. Some people who speak quietly naturally command attention anyway, due to their body language and the conviction with which they speak…but if you speak quietly with your head down while looking away from your audience, there’s a high chance they’ll talk over you or not respond to what you said.
Open or Closed Posture
I tend to position my body in a way that it’s folded in on itself: When sitting on a sofa or large chair, I draw my knees into my chest or cross my legs. Sometimes even with a twisted double-cross position. I often cross my arms, too. This is largely because I grew up in a cold place and became accustomed to doing that to keep warm, but other people don’t know that.
To other people, a closed posture in which I am folded in on myself just compounds nonverbal messaging about not being worthy of taking up space — physically or in conversation. Instead, an open, even sprawling posture shows others that you are not ashamed of taking up space and that you feel entitled to it.
The Overall Effect
This is an exaggeration for effect, but for many of us it’s not far from our reality: If you cross your legs and speak quietly and quickly and with your head kind of down, in a neutral tone, and look away from the other person, they will not see you as someone whose words and opinions are not really important or interesting. Because you don’t act like your words and opinions are important or interesting or even worthwhile.
It can be extremely difficult to change our nonverbal habits, but bringing awareness to them is a very empowering first step. If you want to change the way people react to you, try conducting a careful analysis of what nonverbal cues you’re giving out.
Hint: Even though the actual reasons for your non-verbals might not be the same as what people interpret (like with my closed posture due to feeling cold), in this case that doesn’t matter. What matters is what other people interpret from your non-verbals.
The bad news: If you notice a negative pattern in your interpersonal relationships across years and across social contexts, it might just be your fault, not theirs.
The good news: If it’s your fault, that means it’s completely within your control to change. Ever tried changing someone else’s behavior? Yea nah. You’d be better off trying to change the rotation of the earth. But if becoming aware of and changing your own behavior can alter the course of your relationships, well…that’s a surprisingly powerful position to be in.
What Does This Have to do with Social Sustainability?
This column is about social sustainability, or how groups of people can build connections that help them to a.) accomplish their shared mission as a group and b.) meet their social needs. An awareness of your own nonverbal signals as well as those of others is absolutely indispensable to social sustainability of any group in any context, and yes, 2 people counts as a group.
If you are an assertive person who does not have these problems, you can empower your more soft-spoken peers by showing them that you are interested in their thoughts and opinions despite their lack of confidence. Why should you? Because strong, sustainable, fulfilling connections are built through mutual interest on the part of all parties.
If you are a less confident person who feels guilty about talking about yourself or taking up space, you can empower yourself by becoming aware of what signals you’re sending out and why others don’t seem to take you seriously. Why should you? Because strong, sustainable, fulfilling connections are built through mutual interest on the part of all parties.
Recommended Resources/References
People Skills by Robert Bolton
This youtube video about how not to get interrupted and steamrolled in conversation
Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, et al.
